Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
