Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
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