Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
