He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
