I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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