just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
No. No. No. No one's allowed to fuck in the yurt.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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