I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
