guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Randomize
