More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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