im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
