I'm so fucking centered right now
I think my fart just growled at me.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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