once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
