Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
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