Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.