I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
We got so high we made milksteak
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
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he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
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Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack