We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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