Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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