Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
