Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
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