your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
