Whatcha textin bout Willis?
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Randomize
