she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Got my parents to pick me up from the party, take me to the bar and buy all my drinks, then drop me off at my booty calls house.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.