I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
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