My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
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Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
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I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud