I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
sex in a hospital.. check
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
