Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
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