Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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