Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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