I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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