i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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