sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
