My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
don't judge my taste in strippers
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
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