I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
Randomize
