you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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