Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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