just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
