sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
