Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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