i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
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