Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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