I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
