either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
My vagina is officially offended.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
Randomize
