apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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