can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
