i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
