Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
