Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
