Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
walking on gravel proved too much for her barefeet so she traded her bra for some guys sneakers.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Randomize
