I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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