Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
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