What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
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To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
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If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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