I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
