JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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