I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
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