I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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