I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
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