hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
