WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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