Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Randomize
