My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
